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You woke up on
the wrong side of
a cosmic bed

A pillow of
nebulae,
crushed
under your head

Meteorites
are all the tears
which you have shed

Your ring finger
is Saturn,
yet
remains unwed

Forever lost
in outer space
among a dreamed
starry array

Your light shines bright
lightyears away
but not enough
to seize the day

Star-crossed
and vaccum-cleaned,
sleep-tossed
and solar-weaned

Let your love be
a tesseract-
then I'll wish to
become Titan.
A poem about "star-crossed lovers" whose romance is thwarted by the vastness of space. The last stanza proposes a simple solution to the problem in general: let your love be multi-dimensional, not a mere sense of yearning.

I personally like this one, just for the message. Regardless, I always appreciate a good critique (hint, hint).
Add a Comment:
 
:iconnot-an-emo-girl942:
You did an excellent job with this piece, so let me start off by saying good job. :)

This piece is excellently written and has poignant imagery that really makes it pop. The fact that every image captures some aspect of space is a feat on its own, and you managed all of it quite nicely. My favorite stanza has to be the second to last. It really paints a sharp image and serves as a bit of a contrast to the other stanzas.

However, there are a few places that could use some work. The first is the third stanza, which lacks the flow of the rest. It also fails to paint the typical scene like the others. I understand the idea of shed nails, but it just seems off.

The third line of the sixth stanza is also bothering me. Forgive the uptight English student in me, but it lacks a proper (not quite) antecedent. As in, there's not enough of what? It's not enough light or it's not far enough away? It's without a doubt a beautiful passage, but that line just seems off to me.

The final place is the final line. If I understand correctly, Titan is being used in the sense of Saturn's moon. If not, then feel free to ignore this section. This is definitely a clever use, and it paints a clear picture, if the reader knows what Titan refers to, but there are just so many possibilities out there and this is one of the least known. It also seems to throw the piece off a bit because you go from a set of space-related but not instantly connectable references to a clear "you're Saturn, I'm the moon that follows you around." It makes perfect sense to put a change in the final stanza, but I wonder if it's just a bit too big. The end just lacks a note of finality, and brought all of the beautiful imagery in the piece to a screeching halt.

Overall, I very much enjoyed this piece, and I think you did a fabulous job with it. I hope to see more of your writing soon. :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

:icont1rr3ll:
I like the simple style combined with elaborate word-choice. The mental picture is vivid and beautiful, and the subtle descriptions help create the empty feeling of deep space and lost love. A good message is presented, but it could use a little more emotional appeal. The style in which it was written is beautiful, elegant, while also personal. The story, while slightly unclear, is obviously timelessly themed. A good poem does not need explained... And this was a good poem. The meaning was complex, as if hidden, but poetry is the key to its own code. The symbolism could be deciphered, but not without some work. Still, emotional appeal gathers wide audiences. Every artist expresses himself so that we can be heard without words. Otherwise, beautiful. Tres belle, mon ami.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconanimegirlcorycian:
animegirlcorycian Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
awww...so cool! And it's literally like the definite meaning of "star-crossed lovers"!
Reply
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2013
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]. Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.
Reply
:iconcristinewakesuphappy:
cristinewakesuphappy Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:+fav:

hi! i hope you don't mind my humble feature:
your lovely piece is handpicked. (link)

thank you.
:iconbluedancingflower:
Reply
:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2013  Professional Writer
2nd stanza I'd change "under" to "beneath" ...overall this was a light, fun, intriguing poem I very much enjoyed, wishing you all the best with it! :)
Reply
:iconconcora:
Concora Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013   Writer
This piece has been featured in #The-Asterismos' weekly Showcase [here].

Please support your fellow featured deviants, and thank you for sharing your wonderful work with the group! :thanks: :heart:
Reply
:iconstonemirth:
Stonemirth Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2013
In my oppinion your poem is wonderful and it is like the Universe and love are a great comparison. I found your poem because it is like my poem about love. Amazing pictures in words. I love how love always changes and so does the universe.
Reply
:iconh-lena:
H-lena Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I really like this, especially being an astornomy geek! I don't understand everything of it, but I really really like it!
Very well done! :D
Reply
:iconsamisalsa:
SamiSalsa Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013  Student Writer
i really like this.
this line is pure gold.

Your ring finger
is Saturn,
yet
remains unwed
Reply
:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013
I love this one too much to attempt a critique. :O Lovely.
Reply
:iconamberkitteh:
AmberKitteh Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Done! c:
Reply
:iconreiska:
Reiska Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013
" Madness rides the star-wind... claws and teeth sharpened on centuries of corpses...dripping death astride the bacchanale of bats from night-black ruins of buried temples of Belial. "

Your rhyme stumbles as illusion of order crumbles. Chaos is universal natural state and at this rate... humanity which is a tiny speck in a tiny speck of a tiny speck's tiny speck will soon meet it's inevitable fate.

All you ever have is just a loan. Only thing that is constant is change. So enjoy and fly until this illusion changes into another.
Reply
:iconslipmaskin:
Slipmaskin Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is very informative and neat. I like it when I can see a picture before me what is happening. Good job.
Reply
:icontaeyoongjoongsa:
TaeYoongJoongSa Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013
I don't know what the hell you mean by that
Reply
:iconlilmio:
LilMio Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013
This is so beautiful! :D
Reply
:icon27freegal:
27FreeGal Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013
It's lovely!
Reply
:iconmagicbats:
MagicBats Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Absolutely gorgeous <3 It kind of freaked me out at first considering my whole bed depicts the universe on its sheets xD
Reply
:iconkakashi-narutorules:
kakashi-narutorules Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is an amazing poem!!

Kinda reminds me of Romeo and Juliet a bit, you know, like how they are "star-crossed lovers".
Reply
:icondandelawesome:
DanDelAwesome Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013
This is going to sound weird but I think this poem in specific could use music.
Reply
:icongoldshroom:
goldshroom Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Student Writer
You may be right, but I'm not going to learn how to play an instrument anytime soon.
Reply
:iconbitteryetsweet:
bitteryetsweet Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013
Sounds like a song more than it does a poetic foreshadow.
Reply
:iconkamisch42:
kamisch42 Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Love that space imagery :love: :+fav: I'm not that great at actual critiques, heh...I can just tell you I love it or hate it - LOVE IT!
Reply
:iconyuukokurohana:
YuukoKurohana Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Student General Artist
This is so pretty, i could sing it!
Reply
:icongoldshroom:
goldshroom Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Student Writer
I often find myself singing my poems, and this is no different. So I totally understand. :)
Reply
:iconyuukokurohana:
YuukoKurohana Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Student General Artist
heheheh!
Reply
:iconwarwolflock:
WarWolfLock Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013
You have a beautiful mind
Reply
:iconadelza:
Adelza Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
This is published some where right? It just seems like it should, because in my opinion it's really quite good.
Reply
:iconsugarbit:
SugarBit Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This piece is so incredibly beautiful and well-thought out, I love it ^_^
Reply
:iconnomnomisbored:
nomnomisbored Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
how i wish i was the one to write this beautiful poem.
i love its playfulness with the words
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I admire very much the way you were able to take a well known phrase and create a rhyme scheme that was original and catchy.

It's clear that you have a firm grip on extended metaphor and the astronomy motifs are well played as well.

I can't think of anything that could be improved or changed thus far.
Reply
:iconcolleenirish:
ColleenIrish Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I love it. Just the third stanza didn't flow as well as the others. But other than that love love love it!
Reply
:icongoldshroom:
goldshroom Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Student Writer
That's actually the one thing I would love to change about this poem if it were to be officially published. I unintentionally flubbed the meter because I somehow thought that "nails" wasn't a two-syllable word. >_<

Still, not bad for a rare poem of mine that required little to no barnstorming from me whatsoever. Naturally, because it's the kind of poem I always had inside of me.
Reply
:iconcolleenirish:
ColleenIrish Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah other than that it's an amazing poem :)
Reply
:icondaft-enigma:
Daft-Enigma Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ahh, I've not a single critique for this, it's extraordinary. Those first two stanzas alone have such an impact that you simply don't move on from this poem. I'll be thinking about it for a while, definitely. 
Reply
:iconchancerox:
chancerox Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
A pillow of
nebulae,
crushed
under your head
--
my favorite stanza. definitely reminds me of romeo & juliet. wonderful job :)
Reply
:icongoldshroom:
goldshroom Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Student Writer
Mine as well, because "nebulae" is the best play on words I've ever attempted.
Reply
:iconaesop-epics:
Aesop-Epics Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful, and deep. Star-Crossed lovers is an old ideal, but you speak of it rather nicely, and incredible. Well done!
Reply
:iconashes-mari3:
Ashes-Mari3 Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I really love the beginning to this,
it caught my attention,
and never strayed.
Well done. :rose:
Reply
:icondeffx69:
Deffx69 Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow...
Reply
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