Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

:icongoldshroom: More from goldshroom

Featured in Collections

written words by decemberdreams

More from DeviantArt


Submitted on
July 2, 2013
Submitted with Writer


259 (who?)


Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
You woke up on
the wrong side of
a cosmic bed

A pillow of
under your head

are all the tears
which you have shed

Your ring finger
is Saturn,
remains unwed

Forever lost
in outer space
among a dreamed
starry array

Your light shines bright
lightyears away
but not enough
to seize the day

and vaccum-cleaned,
and solar-weaned

Let your love be
a tesseract-
then I'll wish to
become Titan.
A poem about "star-crossed lovers" whose romance is thwarted by the vastness of space. The last stanza proposes a simple solution to the problem in general: let your love be multi-dimensional, not a mere sense of yearning.

I personally like this one, just for the message. Regardless, I always appreciate a good critique (hint, hint).
Add a Comment:
You did an excellent job with this piece, so let me start off by saying good job. :)

This piece is excellently written and has poignant imagery that really makes it pop. The fact that every image captures some aspect of space is a feat on its own, and you managed all of it quite nicely. My favorite stanza has to be the second to last. It really paints a sharp image and serves as a bit of a contrast to the other stanzas.

However, there are a few places that could use some work. The first is the third stanza, which lacks the flow of the rest. It also fails to paint the typical scene like the others. I understand the idea of shed nails, but it just seems off.

The third line of the sixth stanza is also bothering me. Forgive the uptight English student in me, but it lacks a proper (not quite) antecedent. As in, there's not enough of what? It's not enough light or it's not far enough away? It's without a doubt a beautiful passage, but that line just seems off to me.

The final place is the final line. If I understand correctly, Titan is being used in the sense of Saturn's moon. If not, then feel free to ignore this section. This is definitely a clever use, and it paints a clear picture, if the reader knows what Titan refers to, but there are just so many possibilities out there and this is one of the least known. It also seems to throw the piece off a bit because you go from a set of space-related but not instantly connectable references to a clear "you're Saturn, I'm the moon that follows you around." It makes perfect sense to put a change in the final stanza, but I wonder if it's just a bit too big. The end just lacks a note of finality, and brought all of the beautiful imagery in the piece to a screeching halt.

Overall, I very much enjoyed this piece, and I think you did a fabulous job with it. I hope to see more of your writing soon. :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

I like the simple style combined with elaborate word-choice. The mental picture is vivid and beautiful, and the subtle descriptions help create the empty feeling of deep space and lost love. A good message is presented, but it could use a little more emotional appeal. The style in which it was written is beautiful, elegant, while also personal. The story, while slightly unclear, is obviously timelessly themed. A good poem does not need explained... And this was a good poem. The meaning was complex, as if hidden, but poetry is the key to its own code. The symbolism could be deciphered, but not without some work. Still, emotional appeal gathers wide audiences. Every artist expresses himself so that we can be heard without words. Otherwise, beautiful. Tres belle, mon ami.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

animegirlcorycian Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist cool! And it's literally like the definite meaning of "star-crossed lovers"!
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2013
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]. Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.
cristinewakesuphappy Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

hi! i hope you don't mind my humble feature:
your lovely piece is handpicked. (link)

thank you.
angelenroute Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2013  Professional Writer
2nd stanza I'd change "under" to "beneath" ...overall this was a light, fun, intriguing poem I very much enjoyed, wishing you all the best with it! :)
Concora Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013   Writer
This piece has been featured in #The-Asterismos' weekly Showcase [here].

Please support your fellow featured deviants, and thank you for sharing your wonderful work with the group! :thanks: :heart:
Stonemirth Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2013
In my oppinion your poem is wonderful and it is like the Universe and love are a great comparison. I found your poem because it is like my poem about love. Amazing pictures in words. I love how love always changes and so does the universe.
H-lena Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I really like this, especially being an astornomy geek! I don't understand everything of it, but I really really like it!
Very well done! :D
SamiSalsa Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013  Student Writer
i really like this.
this line is pure gold.

Your ring finger
is Saturn,
remains unwed
Add a Comment: